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When compiling a list of the formidable siege weapons of history it is unlikely that ‘artillery battle tortoise’ will jump to mind, perhaps only because it is slightly less absurd than, say, ‘armored assault monkey’ or ‘inter-continental ballistic ocelot’, or perhaps because you have yet to embrace the battlefield deliciousness that is Shellrazer!

If you have not yet tried this humorous yet orc-blastingly glorious game you are really missing out. It’s a 2D battle scroller that places you and your selected weaponry atop the shell of a determinedly forward plodding, 12 tonne tortoise with an axe to grind and a bad attitude to boot. You choose increasingly difficult battles from the map where you riddle dastardly orcs with first bullets and later artillery shells in a quest to free your land of their evil dominion and simultaneously free your friends and allies from their clutches. Each ally freed brings new skills and talents to your team, allowing you to customize the armaments atop your battle tortoise in a variety of combinations.

Gameplay is dead simple. One tap on your selected weapon and then drag your finger toward the target. Let the tortoise and his team do the rest! You have an alternate option of tapping the weapon and then tapping toward the target but I prefer directing the fire with the drag.

Learn your power-ups before using them. Some are only short range or short duration and should be saved for emergencies, while others can be used on a screen-full of enemies at once.

Assign your repair preferences as soon as the round starts, this way your blacksmith can start mending things as soon as the first attack occurs. Wait and you may forget, or might not have time!

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Compatible with iPhone 3GS, iPhone 4, iPhone 4S, iPhone 5, iPod touch (3rd generation), iPod touch (4th generation), iPod touch (5th generation) and iPad. Requires iOS 4.3 or later. $0.99